Breaking my Silence

The last time I bore my testimony, I lied. I didn’t complete believe the things I was saying, I was only saying them because I knew that’s what you were supposed to say and the things that you wanted to hear. The truth of the matter is that for a long time I’ve been questioning religion as a whole. I didn’t say anything however because even though I felt ashamed for lying and utterly uncomfortable and out of place at church is because I was afraid of disappointing you. So I continued to attend. I tried to give it my all, I really did but the longer I attended and the more I learned about certain things the more I questioned and just couldn’t wrap my head around certain concepts. I feel it’s safe to say, I’m agnostic. No that isn’t just the ‘lazy man’s atheist’. I can’t outright deny the presence of a greater force at work in the lives of people especially if I try to use logic because I’ve heard of some things just outright denying logic. However at the same time there are just concepts and trends that all religions share that make me question it, and I will continue questioning for a long time. If you were paying close enough attention you probably already figured this all out. However it needed to be said as I have been avoiding outright saying it out of fear of losing those who I care about. I know it’s a silly fear, if they care about me the same way I care about them, then it shouldn’t matter what I say they should accept me all the same. I am so tired of clamming up out of fear of losing those I care about. So this is it. This is the beginning of me trying to declare who I am to the world. If you don’t like it or can’t accept it, I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve struggled and kept silent for too long.